Tenderhearted

In the middle of his teaching about our words and our tempers, Paul writes, “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God.” The Holy Spirit is a Person, and a Person can be saddened. Verse 30 adds that we “were sealed” in Him “for the day of redemption,” which marks us as God’s own until that day. Because of that closeness, the way we treat each other at home matters to Him. A cutting remark to the person we love is never a private matter between two people, since the Spirit lives in both of them. He grieves because He loves both of us.

Verse 31 lists what we are to put away, and bitterness heads the list. Rage and outcry are loud, yet bitterness is often silent. Bitterness is an old hurt that we have decided to keep, replaying it in our minds and storing it as evidence against the other person. The letter to the Hebrews warns about a “root of bitterness” that “springs up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15). Like a root, bitterness grows out of sight for a long time before anything shows above the ground. In a marriage, the sharp words of today frequently grow out of a hurt from months or even years ago that we never forgave. Paul’s instruction leaves nothing behind: “Get rid of all bitterness.”

We can get rid of bitterness only as Christ Himself fills its place. Verse 32 gives the result of His presence in us: “Be kind and tenderhearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.” A tender heart stays soft toward the other person, easily moved and slow to harden. We rarely harden our hearts all at once. More often, we harden them by small degrees, through one unspoken hurt after another, until a husband and a wife find that they can no longer feel much toward each other.

As Christ lives in us, His own kindness begins to soften what our hurts have hardened, and kindness that we could not manage on our own begins to flow toward each other.

The final phrase of verse 32, “just as in Christ God forgave you,” gives both the measure and the source of our forgiveness. God did not forgive us because we had earned it or because we had first made everything right. Paul writes elsewhere, “But God proves His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). When we remember how much we have been forgiven, the offenses of our spouse take their proper size. Jesus warned that the opposite is also true, saying, “But he who has been forgiven little loves little” (Luke 7:47). The more deeply we know our own forgiveness, the more readily we can forgive.

In a marriage, sometimes each of us will be the one apologizing, and sometimes the one releasing the other. Jesus taught that if we come to worship and remember that a brother has something against us, we should “First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:24). Even our worship can wait while we make things right. A sincere apology names what we did without adding excuses, and it does not shift the weight back onto the other person. Forgiving is a decision to stop holding the wrong against our spouse. It does not mean pretending that the hurt was small, and for deeper wounds it may take time, yet the decision can begin today. Most couples also discover that they need to forgive the same small things more than once. When Peter asked whether forgiving a brother seven times was enough, Jesus answered, “not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!” (Matthew 18:22). With that answer Jesus was describing a forgiving way of life, which a long marriage needs.

Paul ends this section by lifting our eyes higher. “Be imitators of God, therefore, as beloved children, and walk in love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us.” Children imitate what they have received at home. Because our Father loves us dearly, we can treat each other the way He has treated us. When one of us walks back into the kitchen after an argument and says, I was wrong, and I’m sorry, and the other answers, I forgive you, we can trust that our Father is pleased.

Whatever needs forgiving between you, large or small, the One who has forgiven you both is near, and He can help you release it.