Members of One Another

Ephesians 4:25 begins with the word “Therefore,” which ties it to the verses just before it. There Paul reminds believers that they were taught “to put off your former way of life, your old self,” and “to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:22, 24). When Paul begins to show what this new self looks like in daily life, the first thing he names is our speech. He writes that each of us “must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor.” In a marriage, our nearest neighbor is our spouse, who shares our table and hears our voice more than anyone else does.

Falsehood covers more ground than outright lies. Most husbands and wives would never invent a story to deceive each other, yet many of us live with quieter forms of falsehood, such as saying I’m fine when we are hurt and agreeing with a plan while resenting it inside. In the moment we rarely call these lies. Still, each one leaves our spouse with a picture of us that is not true, and Paul asks us to lay aside every kind of falsehood, including the hidden kinds.

When we examine why we hide what we feel, we usually find fear rather than malice underneath. We are afraid that our spouse will be disappointed or that an honest word will start an argument. Proverbs 29:25 names this fear, saying that “The fear of man is a snare.” A snare is a hidden trap, and the fear of displeasing people holds us in place in the same way, so that we no longer move freely toward each other. Paul seems to have felt this pull in his own ministry, and he wrote, “If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10). Although being considerate is good, when our need to please decides what we say, that need has become a snare.

The proverb also gives the way out, promising that “whoever trusts in the LORD is set securely on high.” The cure for fearing people is a deeper trust in God, and that trust grows as we come to know His love for us. John writes about our relationship with God, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18), and the same love can loosen our fear of people as well. When we are sure that God accepts us in Christ, we no longer need our spouse’s approval in every moment in order to feel safe. As Christ fills more of our hearts, we have less need to hide, and we begin to speak honestly out of a sense of being safe in Him. Often our honesty begins in prayer, with God Himself. The psalmist invites us to “pour out your hearts before Him” (Psalm 62:8), and a husband or wife who has learned to be honest with the Lord in prayer usually finds it easier to be honest at home.

Paul then gives the reason for speaking truthfully, “for we are all members of one another.” He uses the same picture in Romans, writing that “in Christ we who are many are one body, and each member belongs to one another” (Romans 12:5). A husband and a wife who both belong to Christ are members of one another in the nearest possible way. The members of a body depend on knowing what is happening in each other. If a hand were injured and could somehow hide the injury from the rest of the body, the body could not protect it or help it heal. In a marriage, when one of us hides a hurt or a need, the other cannot care for it, and we slowly grow distant from each other. Paul also writes, “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it” (1 Corinthians 12:26). Thus, when we keep our pain to ourselves in order to spare our spouse, we actually keep our spouse from helping.

Thus, we see that speaking truthfully is one of the ways we love each other. Proverbs says, “Better an open rebuke than love that is concealed” (Proverbs 27:5). Most of what we need to say to each other is far gentler than a rebuke, yet the principle still holds, because love that stays hidden cannot do anyone much good. Our spouse deserves to know the real person they married, including our hopes, our fears, and the small things that weigh on us. When we share those things with gentleness, we give our spouse the opportunity to love us well.

In practice, this kind of honesty usually begins with small, true sentences. One of us might say, I am tired tonight, and I need some time to rest, instead of withdrawing without a word. Another time, one of us might say, I felt hurt when my idea was brushed aside, instead of letting the hurt harden into silence. Neither sentence attacks the other person, and both of them tell the truth. Each small, honest sentence like these makes the next one a little easier, and gradually a husband and a wife learn that they can know each other fully and still love each other.

Being known by each other can begin with a few small wishes today. As you share them, remember that you belong to each other and to the Lord, and let His love make you brave enough to say what is true.